Sunday, August 14, 2022

Men Helping

 Friday, my car was needed while the flat was repaired and tires rotated, I drove. I don't like him driving my car since I fear he will mess it up. He cannot see out the way he adjusts the seat for his needs. He has driven it, but I enjoy driving. So, we set out. As we left the driveway, I told him, "Now, I want to see if I know the way. So, don't tell me how to get there, okay?" He agreed. About three minutes later, he said, "Make sure you get into the left lane." I told him okay but not to help me. About four minutes later, he said, "When you can, get into the right lane." I was really upset, asking what he was doing since I wanted to see if I knew the way without him telling me. He argued that he was just trying to help! 

"I was just trying to help to make sure you were in the proper lane." Well, I raised my voice more than a little bit. He said he just did not want me to turn wrong or miss a turn. He said this in the most condescending voice. I suppose he was trying to tamp down my anger and frustration. and cause, you know I just started driving yesterday. "I can turn around if I go wrong!"

Two things: I don't know my right from my left 99% of the time, so telling me either is not helpful, just frustrating. And, I have been driving for over 50 years! 

About two years ago, I was going to drive my car or his, don't remember which, to Birmingham. It is so confusing because I have to go north to go south. At the place to get onto the interstate, there are two exits not 500 feet apart. Both look like I should take them. I asked, calling out the sign messages, asking which I should take. He kept screaming to follow the white car. I kept insisting he tell me the message/numbers on the sign. There were two white cars and a white truck. I was frantic. He kept refusing to tell me what it said on the exit to turn. I screamed at him to get him to tell me which sign I should follow.

When I was on the right entrance onto the interstate, he told me all I had to do was follow his instructions. I asked him, "What will I do the next time if there is no white car to follow?" Only then did he quit blaming me. This man could not teach anyone to drive!!! 

I learn to drive by seeing, hearing, reading and doing. I was getting nothing from his directions. 

For thirty years I drove to Birmingham on my own from 50 miles north of here, found my way around all sorts of places--UAB, shopping, theaters, antique shops, friends' homes, places to sell dog clothes, lots of exploring. But, I never had to get off I-65 before Birmingham and go west! I am not an idiot and am good with directions and finding places I need to go. 

Okay, when my daughter took private tap lessons from Corky Bell, I did get onto the interstate going west, but I went to one place and home. It was easy and not something that stuck with me. And, I worked in inner city schools for about 5 years, but the way here was from the south! 

I will admit he "helps" me in ways I need, like picking up heavy things and other ways. But, this drives me crazy. 

How do men try to "help" when you don't need it. Or, does he "help" in an unhelpful manner? Or, does he help when you want to do it yourself or have it under control? 

edit: Don't get me wrong, I don't mind help. But, when I am trying to learn and say "don't help." I don't think help is helpful. 



27 comments:

  1. Driving is a problem. I have never had a good sense of direction, IfI had to go somewhere I was not familiar with my husband would always take me for a test drive to help me get my bearing, Landmarks were/are a big thing to me. Take the exit when you see the big water tower, there is a McDonald at the corner take a left and so forth. Since he has passed I am reluctant to get out there to far from home. I don't have a fancy new car with GPS that leads the way. Things have changed so fast in just the last ten years, roads have changed, directed differently, HOV lanes have changed. I look things up on google maps but it still freaks me out when I have to go to an area I don't know. My world keeps changing and I just do my best to keep up. Maybe if you explain how you get around the best way he can help you find your landmarks. You need to be able to navigate in a way that makes sense to you. It he had to have a medical procedure far from the area you are not familiar with, explain you would feel better with a test run, let you get the lay of the land so to speak.

    My husband was always the driver but when he got sick I had to learn all of these new places that I did not know. We lived in Texas but a big part of his cancer treatment was in Arizona. I had to learn the area because he was to sick to be the navigator. When we were there and he was feeling well we just go out with me driving to get used to the area. It can make all the difference! if you have the advanced timing it will make things a lot easier.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Texas,
      My sense of direction was always good. I start out to learn a place by roads and interstate exit numbers. The landmarks are later if at all.

      "Follow the white car" is not a good direction to me! I wonder if I would even like GPS. I do agree things on the roads change. When I went back to Memphis and tried to get home, one of the roads and therefore the directions had changed. I drove about 30 miles past the original turn before I realized the original road was changed. It was disconcerting! So, I got the directions and wrote them down before the next trip.

      It is too bad you had to learn under such stressful circumstances. It would probably have been easier if you were not under that stress.

      Delete
    2. I have to admit I can only orient myself in the areas I am used to, I have nothing to anchor myself in direction when I am out of my known area. I agree follow the white car is not a consructive direction. What if white car decides to drive off into the ditch? LOL

      Delete
    3. Well, I cannot just know I am going south or another direction unless I can check the sun, so I am limited in that skill. One time, a friend and I were looking for something, and kept just turning right when we realized were about 30 miles south of the goal in the dark and in the country. We laughed all the way.
      Then, I would get into trouble for following the white car. lol

      Delete
  2. Just wondering at what point you would have asked Tommy for help? Seems like he could tell you didn't know where you were going (although I understand that there are always many ways to reach a destination).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bobbie,
      He could not tell anything because he just volunteering which direction before I got near to missing it.

      Delete
  3. It isn't just men - women do the same thing.
    I will not drive the interstate in town - never have and never will. If I can't get there driving regular roads, I don't go! Period!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheryl,
      I have no idea! I was with a man who has been doing this for three years. I know people who won't take the interstate. Since I have driven the interstates for over 50 years, I have not come to the point of refusing to drive on them.

      Delete
  4. I do that to Hubby but he does acknowledge that missing the turn/way and turning around is wasting time and money.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chef,
      It is going to waste time or money if I try to do it on my own and get it wrong, so learning is costly sometimes.

      Delete
  5. I would like to hear whatever happened to the hard, hot and swollen leg you had a few days ago. Were you able to get it checked out ?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I absolutely loathe being given "hand signals" when I'm trying to reverse. They just make everything worse. Do the "hand signalers" ever wonder what I do when I'm alone????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had a man direct me in backing up the electric cart. He directed me right into a rack of products that I knocked over. I was so disgusted. Thankfully, he was loud and forceful so that dozens of people knew it was his fault. He slunk off. Even when I am driving, the hand signalers are often off the mark. I wonder how they do backing up.

      Delete
  7. Men aren't good at letting things be; they feel proactive 'helping' is providing you good. Too bad as often that is not what is wanted or needed. The men-folk are also trained from early onward to help the so-called in-need-of-help females.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Urspo,
      Being helpful or protective is great. But, they need to learn when to help. Not every problem needs heavy-handed help. Thanks.

      Delete
    2. Hardly ANY problem needs heavy-handed help.

      Delete
    3. If it is a heavy object, then I need heavy-handed help...lol. But, you are correct. Thanks.

      Delete
    4. If it is a heavy object, then I need heavy-handed help...lol. But, you are correct. Thanks.

      Delete
  8. My husband always wants me to drive and then tells me how to do it.
    So I pull over and tell him to switch places and then he shuts up!l

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kim,
      I should do that, but usually there is a reason I am behind the wheel in the first place. But, I should try it sometime.

      Delete
  9. I'm okay with general directions, but Mr D is terrible passenger if I am driving. Generally, if we are going somewhere in the same car, I will let him drive. But honestly, men just need to get over thinking we are completely helpless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rhitter,
      Thank you! If you read, the time I begged him to tell me which of two entrances to the interstate, he would not tell me which number to take, just "follow the white car." And, then on city streets where passing the street on which to turn would only be a round the next block correction, he wanted to direct me when I was going 35 mph and could correct easily, it was no problem. ugh

      Delete
  10. I have to say that Bill has learned NOT to give me directions when I am driving unless I ask specifically. I tend to drive most of the time when we are in town. However, when we went on vacation he drove on the freeway. I can, but don't like to. However, when we get to our destination then I drive most of the time.

    By the way I emailed you, however if you didn't get it then my email is: egan_rachel@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rachel,
      Tommy will not learn when his help is needed. Basically, if I beg him, he is stingy with appropriate help. If I ask him not to, he does and then gets angry that he is just trying to help. It is a lose-lose for me. At least you have it worked out how you handle who drives and when.

      Thanks.

      Delete
  11. I don't take directions from anyone but my WAZE app! You ladies need to download it. So easy to use, it alerts you to all kinds of traffic conditions: heavy traffic, police cars, and cars on the shoulder. It's much, MUCH better than the "maps" app.

    My DH uses it, too. We never question each other on the road anymore, we just ask, "Well, what does WAZE say?" and do exactly what WAZE tells us to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sue,
      I have never heard of that app. Good to know. I fear an app will tell me to go into a river!

      Delete

Obsessed or Not

Maybe not obsessed, but mighty interested in figuring out what I am doing with these succulents.  I have learned a lot about succulents in 2...