Well, Tommy did put the tree legs in their slots and move a table and pull some of the limbs slightly out. Other than that, he has only succeeded in making the Christmas tree look like shit. He left some of the limbs flat against the tree trunk. The others are not fully in place. He showed me in the air that "I pull them out straight (with two fingertips at end of branch) and they just pop back up." Idiot.
I intend to take it down since he made an attempt to "fix it for me." He put his forearm into the tree and against the trunk and held onto the very top. Then, he forcibly pushed down the dozen branches and left a huge gap in the tree. No tree ever grew anything like this. I am not looking for perfection! Just give it a good try, and honest try and cut out the passive aggressive actions.
I will not make the cucumber sandwiches for the Christmas dinner at church. I will not go to church with him on Sunday. If he tells them I am sick or don't feel well, I WILL tell them the whole story. I am sick and tired of putting on a nice public face after abuse!
He does not mind I spend time this afternoon making pumpkin pies which he will eat or that I washed dishes that were used to cook or serve him food. He has informed me I will get nothing for Christmas even though he knows I always get him something. He cannot fix the tree where it looks like a tree. The top is bent, but he cannot see it, looks straight to him. Passive-aggressive shit makes me furious.
You would think that as much as I love Christmas, I might inspire someone to actively join in. He has never thought up one thing to do, even going to eat lunch at the lake. I think of everything. He joins in mostly, but Christmas is not a time for his cooperating, not costing him a dime.
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Saturday night, we started decorating for Halloween. I found the ghosts to hang from the dogwood tree. They were wadded and wrinkled, so th...
Wow.
ReplyDeletepeppylady,
DeleteWow that he acts this way. Or wow that I am acting out?
Have you asked Tommy what his family used to do to celebrate Christmas and what he enjoyed most about it as a kid (other than presents)? You might be able to recreate one thing from his childhood that might put him in more of a holiday spirit. Unless, of course, his family never celebrated Christmas. Or it could be he's like my husband--Christmas happens on Christmas Eve and for two weeks in January as that's what his family did. Made it difficult for me because MY family started on the 18th of December as that was my brother's birthday and January 2nd everything got packed away. And husband hates Christmas music...
ReplyDeleteRetired,
DeleteWe have talked all about that stuff, this year and for many years. He is into making things difficult when it matters for me. He had good and happy Christmas things. When I went to bed last night, he plugged in the tree!
"making things difficult when it matters to me..." sounds like you are packing a whole lot into reading rejecting and frustration and dominating you... into actions which might not carry any intent at all.
DeleteHe might just not like to be bossed around.... there is a reason he was a confirmed bachelor... I doubt he is aware of why he does what he does. And, I'd guess he doesn't do it to frustrate you, but its just how he operates, in general.
Step back...get some perspective here.
My husband used to never compliment me.... (or that's how I saw it) he'd say things like "you don't look so fat in that dress". I would get hurt, he would get frustrated. I finally stopped, and said "what do you mean when you say things like that". And, he said, "I'm trying to say you look nice... some of the things you wear just don't fit you well." So, I explained, that all he needed to say was "you look nice" and that any more, made me feel like he was criticizing me.
He thought he was being nice. I thought he was being mean. The reality -- we were both just approaching it wrong.
Find the middle ground.
Meetsy,
DeleteHe has only paid me one compliment--that he liked a scarf. So, you are way ahead of me. He eats great meals without a word about how it tastes. I got frustrated and asked him how it was. He said, "I have to eat at least three bites to know if something is good." He likes to withhold. I have seen him groan over a restaurant meal after the first bite hits his tongue. I have approached him every way there is. This with the tree did not happen overnight. This has been going on over a week. It is in front of him and he approaches and passes it every time he goes in and out of the room and sits facing it.
My question is why are you living with this difficult and troubled man? He isn't going to change. Perhaps you could live near him and share some of your life, but not be constantly aggravated. You lived on your own before. Can you do it again? Are you going to sell your lot?
ReplyDeleteI lived on my own because I owned a house!
DeleteYes, but if you sold the land could you move out of Tommy's house?
DeleteYou cannot control another person.... you can only control your reaction to it. So, he's not doing what YOU want, and? Sounds to me like you are also being passive/aggressive here. If you want the tree fixed -- fix it yourself.
ReplyDeleteLinda, you have to see that people drag their feet when they get nagged. And, you are setting him up for a zero-sum game. You nag, you have expectations. He resists, he doesn't see what you are talking about. I'm sure its a familiar game to you.... but, takes two to tango.
And, from what I've noticed... (reading your blog) he says a lot of stuff, and then, doesn't mean it. Things like you tossing away this or that, or you moving things. He says don't, you do, and then he's fine with it. So, I'd guess this is frustrating on many levels. However, he clearly is just blustery, and not serious,and not consistent.
If you could stop nagging, and getting upset, and start talking, and explaining -- basically do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, you might find a new way to interact.
I would suspect that how you interact with males is what you need to look at. This is a well-worn grove, I suspect. What were your complaints in your marriage, and how do you give up your power, and why do you retreat into angry/hurt/upset and feeling "abused"?
Linda nothing is as simple as "he did/I felt". No other person can make you "feel" anything. You are choosing to go into responses that are familiar to you. If you keep getting to the same place, you need to look at what you are doing to get there.
Just because he blusters, and resists, doesn't mean he doesn't. Just means you are pushing too hard for his reactions "your way" and it feels invasive to him.
It seems to me you should start appreciating what he does, and thanking him for when he does something good, not always concentrating on what he does wrong. It's basic dog training...praise the good, ignore the bad.
I have never pushed him until days after. He still monitors what happens, and that is okay. But, my marriage problems were not this mundane. Don't compare this to my ex. EVER. No, I do not set this up. He has not one friend in this world, sees a cousin once a year, never talks to his brother. When I say something about the tone of his voice, he says I talk to everyone that way. Well, that explains it all. He has reasons he is the way he is, but that is nothing I want to share. And, it has nothing to do with me. So, please don't go there. You are guessing from a great distance.
ReplyDeleteMy Hubby's parents never did anything for Christmas or birthdays. His grandparents did so he has always been blah about the holidays. Forget saying anything well about food, it's usually "well, that was not bad or that didn't kill me" Nothing about what I wear but I can tell you he bought a couple necklaces when he was fishing with his friend (his friend bought his wife a couple gifts). The friend actually stopped him from buying what he picked out because he knew it was something I would NEVER wear and then helped him choose something I would wear. Both mentioned it to me and Hubby showed me the picture of what he was going to buy. Nope I would have donated it immediately. I did politely say we go no where for me to wear something like that. I am still thankful I have him. My ex was great with words and charm, then turn around and beat on me. Second time he tried it I used a tire iron on him.
ReplyDeleteI think I might have worn it around the house if it was his choice for me. I am glad you have a good one this time. I have no delusions that Tommy and I will ever be a couple.
DeleteWe stopped putting up our big Christmas tree about 16 years ago after our kids were out of the house. I was down in the dumps and blue, and just didn't have the oomph to get that tree up that year. But as I was reading about your problems with hand itching when you handled the Christmas tree, it reminded me of how I used to have that problem with our plastic tree. The branches as I was getting them out of the box and would start putting them in the tree would start making my skin on my fingers itch and burn and/or even feel weirdly cold, and if I forgot and rubbed my face or eyes, they would itch and burn also. I just itched and burned for the first couple of years with that tree. Then I thought of wearing my leather gloves while doing it. They were not flexible enough. Finally it dawned on me to use a pair of those plastic gloves that come in my hair coloring box. They worked well for me. No more hands itching and burning. I wonder what chemicals are on that tree that cause that reaction. It must be something in the plastic.
ReplyDeleteMy most unenjoyable part of the tree was putting the lights on it by myself. It would take me forever and then there would always be some problem with the lights not working. My husband didn't like helping me with the tree lights because during Christmas time he always had a ton of overtime hours and was exhausted. He worked nights at the main post office in downtown St Louis at that time.
I hope you might be able to find some very thin plastic gloves to make it more comfortable to touch your tree.
For the past several years I have been putting up a little fake tree. It doesn't cause my hands to bother me. It takes two little strings of battery powered lights. And then I have a bunch of tiny glass ornaments on it and that is it. I don't know if I will put it up this year. I usually feel a lot of sadness at this time of year. My Mom died right before Christmas years ago,so I miss her at this time of year, my son is stationed overseas this year, so he won't be around, and my Dad who is 91 is not doing well health wise at this time. It feels like I can't concentrate on anything fun right now. It is strange way of feeling. I'm hoping I will snap out of it before Christmas and feel up to doing my tree and a few decorations.
Those short gloves would be useless. Next time, I will not ask him. This tree came with lights. I liked to put the lights on when I had a real tree. This tree is 3' tall and on a table.
Delete