Today, I was thinking about the expected phone call from a friend. Last night, it was too late to call, so I finally remembered it today. I called and left a message to call me. Less than an hour later, I saw her number on my phone.
When I heard it was her daughter, my heart dropped. Last October, she had spindle cell carcinoma and a twelve-hour operation ensued. She was back volunteering at church during all the treatment. Her main problem seemed to be the knee that had surgery years before.
She went to the doctor 2.5 weeks ago and found the cancer had returned and it is fatal this time. She has lost 30 pounds in this time and cannot speak, refuses food, and may die at any moment. Death is imminent. I silently cried for over 15 minutes while she talked non-stop about her mother's condition. I knew if I started sobbing, she could not continue without crying, too. The last two or three minutes I was whimpering as we talked dates for upcoming events this week.
Her Celebration of Life will be next Sunday since she is not expected to live even three more days. I have never known of a planned Celebration before the person was dead. But, I am sure they happen.
The daughter offered to allow me to speak with her but said my friend could not speak to me. I could not help but cry during that brief moment. I only told her how sorry I was, that I would miss her and that I loved her. A full, bawling, unintelligible sound was all I had next, so I quit speaking. Unfortunately, I did sob uncontrollably the last minute with her daughter.
The last 30 seconds, I told her about the insulin pen covers, the plastic I saved from the dump. She was happy and said she would take them to her children's group at church. When I told her kids might put these in their mouths and I wondered if her son's group (disabled adults) could use them, she agreed they could use them in crafts. So, that one problem is solved. There are pink pieces that I will retrieve for my own use.
The call was unique in my experience. Most of the time, I get a call after death, or I read an obituary.
So, now I am trying to recover my physical and mental equilibrium. Tommy heard my friend's name and thought she had died since he did not hear all the conversation. I am glad we had lots of laughing before she called.
I can't recover from that kind of sadness on the same day.
ReplyDeleteI go into a holding pattern of crying and sleeping.
What a blow for you. You did a wonderful thing by letting the daughter speak for 15 Min.
I'm glad you spoke to your friend, that will be such a precious memory.
A friend of mine in Oregon had a celebration of life, which she attended , before she passed but I've never heard of setting the time for a funeral while the patient is alive
I could barely eat and felt hollow inside. So far, not sleeping at all. Tomorrow will be still hard. Now, I seem to want food not considered dinner, but still okay to eat.
DeleteShe was wonderful. I think her mother could hear since I believe the daughter was in the same room and does know she is dying.
They know she will die within two days, but have not set the date for the funeral, just for the celebration of life. I do wonder if that is the day of the funeral.
I am sorry you got such sad news. I have never heard such a thing of setting a date for a memorial or funeral before passing.
ReplyDeleteCheryl,
DeleteThey knew for a fact that she was going down fast, so decided to have the memorial on Sunday. They have not set a date for the funeral. Now, I wonder if the funeral is the memorial. I want to ask, but I won't. I will just get the time and go next Sunday.
I'm so sorry about your friend, but really glad you got to speak to her. My brother was dying in Wales and me having to leave knowing that I would never see him again was so hard - and yet it gave us a chance to really talk and say all the things we needed to!
ReplyDeleteTreaders,
DeleteThat is great you could talk with him. I know that was a comfort. My friend was so ill she could not speak, just listen. But, her daughter said she heard me.
I, too, am so sorry about your friend. It is never easy. Nowadays, the terms funeral, memorial service, and celebration of life generally mean the same thing. Also, like other commenters, I have never heard of scheduling the service, whatever you choose to call it, before the person actually dies.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Frances,
DeleteThey are so certain that she will die this week, probably sooner than later, that they are going to have the celebration on Sunday. I finally came to that conclusion after wondering when the funeral was happening. I suppose 'funeral' sounds so funeral...lol, that the other two terms are more positive and hopeful, maybe less morbid.
I'm so sorry you are all going through this. My heart aches for you, your friend, and her family. *hug*
ReplyDeleteSassybear
https://idleeyesandadormy.com/
sassybear,
DeleteThanks. My heart is literally aching right now.
That is very sad, I am sorry to hear about your friend. I have never heard of scheduling a service before death. She may just surprise them all and hang on a little longer. I'm glad you got a chance to talk to her.
ReplyDeleteOne,
DeleteThey had a service this last week at her home with all her family. They are not waiting for things to happen, it seems. She is very near death. I was thinking she might hang on, too. That was a stroke of luck to call her instead of waiting for her call that will never come.
My thoughts and a great big hug are being sent to you. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.
ReplyDeleteLaurieS,
DeleteThank you. It is hard.
I am so very sorry about your dear friend. My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteBelinda,
DeleteThanks so much for the support.
The anguish and grief of this sort of news is like no other. Words are lame and useless. I am glad to read the comments here you are surrounded by Love.
ReplyDeleteUrspo,
DeleteThis is the first time I have ever had this situation. Usually, the person is already dead. Thanks. Kind words help.
John and I have friends who threw themselves a dual wake. They rented a hall, invited friends from their youth (John went to High School with them both) friends they worked with throughout their working careers and of course their family.
ReplyDeleteThe hired a taco truck. This is not actually a truck but a family business that cooks and serves Mexican food. Some of the food is prepared in advance(salsas, rice, beans, salads) but usually the meats are grilled on location. This is a VERY POPULAR thing to do for many occasions.
The couple had both recently retired and decided to throw this wake while they were living. They didn't want to miss out on their own future funeral receptions. It was a very fun evening. Lots of speeches, funny stories, testimonials, music and dancing.
Janet,
DeleteThis sounds like a very good idea. The people can be in charge of their own wake and see friends who will be around when they are dead and join in the fun..
I have never heard of this kind of business. But, I can see why it is so popular.
Thanks for sharing this. It does make sense. And, it shows my friend's family prep before her death is not so unusual.
I am glad you got to say good bye. Now days some plan celebration of life instead of a funeral. You are encouraged to deal with that before you get ill so your family isn't dealing with those legal things too when they are grieving.
ReplyDeleteChef,
DeleteI am so glad I got to talk with her, too. I am hearing all sorts of arrangements since talking with her. I am quite sure it is all planned. Her daughter is there, and they have known this for about three weeks. So, if she had not planned it all, I am quite sure it is all set now.
You got to say goodbye, and that you loved her. I'm sure she heard that. I hope that's of some comfort to you. She will leave this world knowing she is loved. I don't think any of us could ask for more. You have my sympathy.
ReplyDeleteSue,
DeleteHer daughter told me she could hear before she held the phone to her ear. Then, she said she heard me, so I suppose she gave some sort of eye reaction. Her whole family had a church service for her with prayer and singing. Thank you.